....laying in bed with my kitty, under a blanket, slightly tangled legs, semi cuddling, and both of us just kind of absorbed in our separate books, listening to the bubbling of our fishtanks, and every so often just kissing each other on the cheek or forehead.

....the smell of waiting for him to come home. Curled up on his couch, dozing off to a movie, burrowed into a blanket and a pillow...there's this smell that's him, the basement, the couch, the smell of home. The best smell in the world.

....early morning, right before dawn when everything is just kind of glowy and the birds are kind of waking up and starting their day, the air is fresh and crisp and still and the grass is still saturated with dew.

....the first cup of a freshly brewed pot of coffee.

....the sound of rain and the low rumble of thunder late at night when you're just teetering on the edge of sleep.

....being loved and having someone to love.

Couldn't think of a good blog title. That should work. :D

I guess things are getting better at home. I'm not sure. Half of me still wants to get kicked out. I can't really just leave right now. I'm fairly sure I could move in somewhere and be okay, at least for awhile. Namely Jon's. I'm too exasperated to deal with home anymore. My parents tell me that I set standards and expectations of myself way too high, and if I lowered them, then those standards and expectations would still be above average for any other person. If I lower those standards, I know I'll just end up snapping off at them and end up leaving. Maybe I just should.

Doctor's appointment on Monday. My mom wants me to get a referral to my brother's doctor. He's a psychologist and was the one who helped my brother so much. I guess I'll go to him and see what happens; get tested for AD(h)D and maybe some other things. I'm not sure what to expect. I know the Celexa is working, but it's not enough. I am on the highest prescribed dosage of Celexa made. (40mg Celexa = 100mg Zoloft). I can feel it starting to not work. I'm also getting a referral to a psychiatrist.... My mom asked me the other night how I would be if I wasn't dating Jon. I think she was expecting a different answer, but I told her the truth and told her that I would be a lot worse, maybe not here. The thought scared her, and I guess it scared me too because it's the first time I've ever actually said that outloud. Maybe I should just go on Dr. Phil.

I'm just emotionally tired, and yet so happy at the same time. It's so confusing.

I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can't even think about what it would be like with anyone else. He pulls me in so much...I wish there were words to describe it. This pull...mageticity...attraction...this immediate snap to him. The simple sight of him, sound of his voice, touch of his skin, just makes me instantly calmer, more focused, more just simply alright. Maybe it sounds over the top to people, maybe it sounds possessive.

Right now I feel happy, calm, and lonely as ever. Happy, because I have an amazingly bright future. I have a good job, a supportive loving familly that would do anything for me (even though we all want to kill each other right now), an amazing person who makes boyfriend seem like an insignificant word. Yet, right now, I feel lonely. I want to be curled up, being held by him and being told that he loves me, and just being content to hold me in the dark. No alcohol involved. Like the old days.

I can't wait for the Milwaukee Zoo and Sybaris!!!

This contemplative kitty is going to bed. :)